What Forgiveness Is vs. What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not something that comes easy to most of us. Part of that is because misunderstandings abound about what forgiveness actually is. The following are some helpful clarifications from a Catholic perspective:

1. Forgiveness is NOT being a doormat.

It is realizing that unforgiveness feeds the demons. It presents a pathway for the enemy to get into our lives, as exorcist Msgr. Stephen Rossetti teaches. In these times of increasingly intense spiritual warfare, we need to close all openings to the demons. 

2. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.

In order to forgive you have to know what you are forgiving. You can't forgive what you can't remember.  Not only that, remembering is part of the process of grieving the loss we have incurred because of the hurt. With God's help eventually the feelings the memory triggers won't sting as much or maybe even at all because we will begin to see the blessings that this very pain has brought into our lives.

3. Forgiveness is NOT bypassing God's justice.

It is allowing God to execute His justice in His time and in His way but not watching for it 24/7. If needed, God will execute justice but our hearts must be ready for it so it doesn't lead us to sin as we gloat over the misfortune of others. Instead, we should be begging God for the grace to imitate Jesus as he prayed from the cross for his enemies, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

4. Forgiveness is NOT waiting for "time to heal all wounds" as if that happens automatically.

We know from experience that time does not always heal all wounds. At times we have to learn to live with those wounds and trust that God will help us. Forgiveness is being humble enough to offer the wound to God as a sacrifice for the salvation of others and in penance for our many sins. If we continually struggle to do this, in time, we may even be able to say as did Saint Augustine: "I saw your glory in my wounds and it dazzled me."

5. Forgiveness is NOT excusing wrong behavior.

Forgiveness is a gift and a responsibility. It is acknowledging that there is no excuse for that wrong behavior, but forgiving anyway because we have been forgiven by God for our many sins. It is realizing that we live in a fallen world and people are not perfect. As C.S. Lewis said: “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

6. Forgiveness is NOT repressing your anger.

It is resolving your anger by releasing it to God; by opening the wound to Him and inviting Him into it so He can heal and transform it. 

7. Forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation.

It takes two to reconcile but it only takes one to forgive. 

8. Forgiveness is NOT letting the guilty off the hook.

It is moving the guilty from your hook to God's hook and letting God handle it for it is His responsiblity, not ours. Our responsibility is to show mercy because we want to receive mercy from God. It is believing Jesus when He said: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

9. Forgiveness is NOT explaining the hurt away.

It is taking the narrow path of working through the hurt so that God can bring a greater good out of it. 

10. Forgiveness is NOT a feeling.

It is an act of the will. It is the choice to forgive in spite of feelings. It is letting our feelings be the caboose and not the engine. It is doing the right thing and knowing that the right feelings will eventually follow. “Unlike resentment, forgiveness is not a feeling, nor does it mean that we stop feeling something…forgiveness operates on a different level from resentment—that is, on the level of the will…” (Francisco Ugarte).

11. Forgiveness is NOT about "warm fuzzies"at all.

It involves making the decision to wipe away a debt owed to us by someone thereby freeing the debtor. We use our will to forgive someone from our heart - we will it, not feel it.  

12. Forgiveness is NOT denying the hurt.

Forgiveness is feeling the hurt and releasing it to God. It is offering the pain of that hurt to God as a "living sacrifice" (Romans 12:1). It is acknowledging that God is able to "work all things for the good for those who love him" (Romans 8:28). Learn more about all of the good that God desires to bring out of our suffering here (Why Me? Why, God?) and here (Six Reasons We Have to Carry Our Crosses).

13. Forgiveness is NOT approving a wrong.

It is good for our health to forgive. The Mayo Clinic tells us that people harboring resentment and unforgiveness might experience anxiety and depression, a lack of meaning in their life, and anger and bitterness in relationships. Forgiveness, on the other hand, can lead to lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and improved heart health and mental health.

14. Forgiveness is NOT primarily for the person who has hurt us.

Unforgiveness presents an obstacle to our well-being. Forgiveness enables us to remain open to the grace of God for our own personal healing. The following is a true story that exemplifies this. In Be Healed, Dr, Bob Schuchts relates something that happened on one of his mission trips where healing was impeded by unforgiveness. He tells of a young woman who was injured when a car ran her down and broke one of her legs. A prayer team prayed for her but was unable to gain any healing for her. Eventually they learned that she was harboring resentment toward the driver who ran her down. When she finally came to the place where she was able to forgive the driver, her leg was miraculously healing. 

So even if we know all of this intellectually, it can still be so hard to forgive from our heart! How can we do this?

Only By the Grace of God...

Forgiveness is definitely easier said than done. There is a certain limit, unique to each one of us, beyond which we would find it very difficult, if not impossible to forgive. Very often, we feel offended and resentment even if the person who hurt us never intended to! This just shows how much we need the grace of God to be able to make those acts of the will to forgive. Our strength alone is insufficient. Prayer is the means through which we can receive this grace without which we may find some offenses impossible to forgive. But "we can do all things in Him who strengthens us," can we not? (cf. Phil 4:13)

Three Means to Receive the Grace of God in Order to Forgive

1. The Eucharist - Make sure that you are in the State of Grace and then every time you receive Holy Communion, ask Jesus to fill your heart with the desire and the ability to forgive. Ask Him to give you a new outlook about the situation; to show you the good He can bring from it; then be on the lookout for how he will do that. Spend time in Eucharistic Adoration, letting the Lord love you and heal your heart. Most of the time we will not feel what He is doing because His work is going on deep down inside of us. When we finally do feel something, it will be because so much has already been healed under the surface of our feelings. Keep asking and be patient as he answers your prayer. 

2. Read stories about other people's successful struggle with forgiveness - This is so helpful! It gives us hope and fills our heart with the right desires! Read four stories about forgiveness here. 

3. Prayer for When You Can't Forgive - Pray this prayer when you feel a wave of resentment come over you:

Dear Lord,

Forgiveness is so hard. I cannot do this without your help. I am asking you to help me right now as I release any resentment and bitterness I hold against those who have wronged me. Just as you have forgiven me, help me extend forgiveness to others. Teach me to love my enemies and to pray for those who have hurt me. Grant me the strength to let go of grudges and walk in the freedom of forgiveness. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen. Amen. 

Follow this link to pray The Chaplet for the Mercy to Forgive Another